In high school, one of my teachers told us that life slows down when you get older, and gets more boring as fewer significant things happen further apart. There was little daily drama in her life. I was, and still am, eager for this degree of stability. I highly doubt that I will ever find it and that more likely than not it was a perception of hers, not a reality.
For the first time in several years, I find myself faced with what feels like an overwhelming amount of ambiguity.
I’ve graduated undergrad and while I know what I want next, the path to get there is so uncertain. I’ve tried not to look at the acceptance statistics, but sometimes I cannot help but look. I have better chances of getting cancer, and what feels like better odds of being struck by lightning. So needless to say, once my internship in April ends I have no idea where I will be. There is no clear path or option. As someone who likes to plan and organize, that scares me.
It scares me even more because I will be going through a lot of the ambiguity alone. I’ve graduated and while I know my friends are always there for me, it’s also scary to have them all suddenly so far away. Not all of these friendships and connections will survive. I’ve learned that the hard way from high school. I’m a creature of habit. I like my support systems. I know it is up to me to maintain these connections and to put in sincere effort and time. But finding out about grad school without them? In a strange city by myself?
I’ve been trying to frame things positively. This is an exciting new opportunity! You’ll find where you’re meant to be eventually! These things take their time! You now can do all the reading and writing you haven’t been able to do for the past couple of years! But in the end, the pessimist in me rears its head.
I’m trying not to be sad about it all, but change is difficult. I’m trying not to fight it, but it doesn’t make it any less lonely.