So What Have You Been Up To?

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This past spring I did an internship in D.C. and have been home for several months now. Every time I see someone I haven’t seen in a while, or even those that I see regularly I get asked: “What’s up with you?” So here are some of the standard answers.

  1. Working at the gas station. I’ve been picking up hours as I can to make money. Its never been my favorite job, and there are some real downsides to it. But it does allow me to do a fair amount of reading which is its saving grace.
  2. Job Hunting. Five months and 100 applications later, here I am, trying to find a job that is going to advance me professionally and be a bit more rewarding. Its been hard, and many days I get discouraged, really discouraged. But I keep trying, hoping for at least an interview. It’s been hard because several opportunities have presented themselves that I have been unable to take because wage wise they wouldn’t allow me to save what I need to for relocating for grad school.
  3. Researching and prepping for grad school applications. I didn’t get in for this fall, but I have been drawing together a list of schools and programs that I am going to apply to. I have a set of goals set for revising my writing samples and drafting personal statements. I am currently looking at programs in writing and also programs in American studies. This month the goal is to revise both my creative and academic writing samples and finish out my chart of schools so I know what I need to do to apply.
  4. READING. One of the things that I immediately realized was great about post-grad life was the ability to read freely and widely. I’ve already read 34 books this year. Currently, I am reading the following:
    1. The Art of Fiction: Notes on Craft for Young Writers by John Gardner. My real question is as I read this book is HOW WAS THIS BOOK NEVER USED IN ANY OF MY CLASSES?! I mean I do have to credit the professor who did give it to me for being ‘the squeaky wheel’ but shame on me for not reading it the minute I got my hands on it. My senior project and short novel class would have been substantially better.
    2. Unholy Ghosts: Writers on Depression edited by Nell Casey. I was drawn to this collection of essays for personal reasons as someone with an ongoing struggle with depression who seeks to write for a living. I have been moving through it slowly, an essay or two a day and have been enjoying the different meditations and experiences that are being shared in the book. It’s been affirming.
    3. The Lacuna by Barbara Kingsolver. This is a hefty one. While I am reading it on my kindle (thanks to Bookbub for alerting me to the deal that allowed me to purchase it), in print it comes in at 600 pages. I am not sure how I will end up feeling about it in the end, but it is interesting to watch its central character navigate his complicated identity with a backdrop of prominent historical figures and events.
    4. The Underground Railroad by Colson Whitehead. This book got a lot of attention when it came out. I read another one of Whitehead’s books for my senior seminar in writing (Zone One, I have many opinions about it). So this is my current audiobook.
    5. Girls and Sex: Navigating the Complicated New Landscape. I bought this book about a year ago on a rather unfortunate trip to Massachusetts. I’m only a third of the way in and I feel shaken to more core reading the reality and structures that have definitely influenced my experiences with dating, romance, and sex. It’s proving to be a fast read which is good because reading 5 books at once is a habit that I like to avoid.
  5. Enjoy being able to watch Netflix/videos online. For anyone that talked to me while I was interning in DC knows, I had horrible internet at the place I was living. So for four months, I watched no Netflix, no tv. I was able to manage some youtube videos on occasion (to indulge in BuzzFeed unsolved), but for the most part, was cut off. This wasn’t horrible, but being home it has been nice to watch things again. I have been keeping up with this season of The Handmaid’s Tale, which I find fascinating as it evolves beyond the plot of the book and expands the world of the book (with the same title). I have also been watching The Blacklist with my mom, watching a couple of episodes several nights a week. Also, since Star Trek: Discovery has wrapped up its first season I have been working through those episodes as well (a post about this will be coming later).
  6. Going to Yoga. A new studio opened up near where I live and since I have been meaning to get more serious about my practice, as well as take care of my body, I decided to take advantage of their really good new student special. I’ve been going 3 times a week now for about three weeks and I have to say, it feels incredibly good, has helped with building strength, and is keeping me sane.
  7. Running/Walking. Once upon a time, I ran a half marathon. In 8th grade. I have not really got anywhere near that since. I know exercise is important and running makes me feel good. So I have been easing back into it with the help of a learn to run app called C25K. In 5 more weeks, I should be in good enough shape to easily run 5k. Hopefully.
  8. Spending time with my dogs. I love our dogs. Because of college and my research opportunity last summer in Ithaca I haven’t spent a whole lot of time with them this past year. But now, we spend quality time with each other every day. And usually, this involves a nap. So long as mom isn’t home.

I am planning now on writing a post a week on different things that come to mind or are relevant to my life. Technically, if I was being ‘serious’ about this blog thing I would be narrowing into a tight niche. But I have a variety of interests which makes that feel impossible. BUT I do think that I am going to do some more posts about my R.A. and the ongoing journey that it is because I think that it’s important to talk about and share. I also think I’ll be doing writing about the books, stories, articles and other things I am reading too. If there is anything else you’d love to see me talk about, let me know!

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Thoughts on Life, 3 months Post-Grad

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So I’ve been done with school for about three months now. Its been quite an interesting experience, one that no one ever really talked to me about and yet I wish someone had.

There have been some great upsides. First, I have discovered that I am a natural morning person. Well, once I actually get out of bed and based on whether I actually slept well last night. I wake up and feel alive and in tune with the world. If I walk/exercise/yoga after getting up, this amplifies the feeling.

In fact, being able to have time to walk and move and exercise during my day has been great. In school, I normally walked about 3 miles a day. Now, between my commute to work and my side-job of walking dogs I find that I am actually moving about five miles a day (though sometimes this number gets as high as 13 miles when I walk a lot of dogs on the weekend). And it makes me feel great. Like really great and I kind of kick myself for not moving more when I was in school. I probably would have been a lot less stressed.

I’ve been able to consume books, particularly audiobooks, at a rapid rate. I’ve also had time to actually keep on top of current events and news of the day. I’ve been able to keep up and read my writing/book websites.

I’m significantly less stressed, my R.A. has been incredibly manageable and most of my aches and flares have been food related.

I’ve been able to learn about myself and who I physically am.

But there are also a lot of things that have been difficult.

Graduating means moving away from your support network and your people, often to a new city or place and a new job. It’s a lot of new. As someone who likes the comfort of routine and stability, its been really hard. Cities mean a lot of people, but it also can be incredibly hard to connect with people. It can be really easy to feel and be lonely.

And while there is no longer the time commitment of classes and homework, work takes up 1/3 of the time in your day, not including commute time and the time needed to get ready for the day. In the end, I have probably about 3-4 hours once I get home before its time for me to go to bed and start over. This leaves not a whole lot of time for me and socialization and my side-job. In some ways, I feel like I have even less time than I did when I was taking a full course load and working. It feels like I am slowly becoming my work and my work is becoming me.

And on the topic of work, I also feel completely disoriented in terms of what I want to do with my life. There are infinitely more options out there than I could have ever dreamed of, and I wish I had been more proactive in trying to experience them during my time in undergrad through internships. It’s caused me to reassess my skills and interests. I know that I still want to go to grad school and that I would still like to teach college someday.

The quarter-life crisis is, in fact, a thing whether you want to believe it or not. I mean it does logically make sense that after almost 20 years in a routine of school that an abrupt change and thrust into the actual working world would cause someone to question everything they think, know, and want. Our lives up until this point have been so defined by the light at the end of the educational tunnel that once we get there, what is there to hold onto and orient us?

This is not to mention the brutal banality of the unpaid internship and ungratifying entry-level grunt work. You may think it sounds whiny, but there is a serious disrespect and exploitation of interns and low-level workers. Its a lot of discouraging experiences and frustrations that make me wonder “is this how it is going to be for the rest of my life”? A lot of the issues that I have had personally in the past couple of months have boiled down to issues of communication, project/personnel management, and respect. It’s been difficult to actually do anything about these issues because I am a low-level intern and I am at a VERY hierarchy-based organization. But it’s been very eye-opening in terms of what I am going to be looking for moving forward.

Also, being post-grad has made me hate money. A lot. Part of this is a bit of resentment at the fact I am an unpaid intern. Thankfully my parents have been generous in helping me to offset some of my housing costs to be able to take this internship. But even with that, I’m broke as hell. I have just enough money in my checking account to pay this month’s housing costs (I’m simply waiting for the check to be cashed) and $12 for my dinner on Saturday. I have to have a side-job in order to afford groceries and to save for my last month of housing costs. It’s stressful. I love my side job (walking dogs) but at the same time resent the fact I have to be chained to this side job jumping on any and every walk request so I’m making enough money. It’s stressful and its hard not to find yourself fixating on it. Not to mention when my student loan payments start coming due in 3 months, according to my exit counseling I should be making $40,000 a year (without any other cost of living expenses) so that my loans aren’t a burden. How is one not supposed to scream? And if you’re one of the people moving to a new city for a new job into a new apartment…the costs add up. It makes a lot of sense why people are so obsessed with how much their jobs are going to pay them because economic stability and quality of life hinge on it.

Then there’s grad school. I still have no idea if I am going, if I am going to be able to afford to go, and where I’d go. It’s difficult because this is also the time when I should be applying for jobs. It’s just another layer of complexity that adds on stress. And if I don’t get in, what do I apply for next year? As all of the possibilities of the world yawn open before me, how am I going to be able to narrow down my likes and options into a program that I can get into?

I just wish that it was normal to talk about the transition from college to the rest of your life. It’s a huge step and I was so not mentally or emotionally prepared for any of it. I’ve been able to find other friends to whom I can talk to but even so right now I am going it alone. It’s allowed me to learn a lot about myself but at the same time its been hard to work through all of it. I just wish as a culture we would stop making things seem ‘easier’ than they are so that we could just be honest and help each other. It would make everything so much easier

 

Refraction of Summer

It has been brought to my attention by Sim, that I haven’t written at all in some time now. I know I have been delinquent. I have sat down and tried to write posts but they just haven’t felt right and well, why right if you aren’t sure what to say or feel.

So I will start where I left off. The end of the school year and the start of summer.

The end was agonizing and stressful and by the end, I was such an emotional mess I was relieved to leave. I was thrilled to be home with my dogs, to sleep, and  to be alone and away from people, something that you don’t really realize until you live with strangers and in a dorm. Summer for once seemed like it was going to be a rejuvenating experience.

In some ways it was. I recharged for the school year. I was able to relax and indulge in my love of reading which resulted in my impressive feat of completing 25 books. I spent time with my dogs. I cut my hair short again.

In other ways, it wasn’t. My arthritis flared mildly, and I was in an almost constant state of exhaustion or achiness. I felt incredibly isolated and lonely at times, unable to connect. Without schoolwork to occupy me, my mind sometimes crumbles into an emotional inconsistency and habit of hyper-analysis.

I figured out I’m okay at writing poetry. I took an online poetry class for my major and in the process of producing some material, I realized that I have a lot of things that I need to emotionally process, that I had convinced myself I didn’t need to. As upsetting as it was, it was also soothing to pour everything raw onto the page.

My jobs at home were the same as always, and the tedium didn’t drive me insane. Rather it was the creepy men who forced undesired attention and comments on me while I had to avert my eyes from their profane leers, trying not to scream or become physically ill. People are shitty, people are shitty.

However, my job working at a writing camp this summer helped me solidify confidence in what I want to do (writing and teaching), and it was one of the most wonderful feelings in the world. I feel ever more confident about this choice, but at times I still do worry and have uncontrollable moments of stress over whether I am making the right decision and if I am truly following my heart and what feels right.

School has resumed. Already I am drowning in readings. In fact, I should probably be doing some right now. I feel conflicted about how I feel about my classes. As an anal organizer, I need to know the assignments when they are due and the specific parameters. This semester I have several professors that only give out short term schedules a month or so at a time.

In fact, my stress is already going so high through the roof I’ve been in a low to moderate flare since class started. The other day I couldn’t open my bottle of Motrin and I cried. I hated my body. I felt awful that I was never grateful for my good health. My medicine upsets my stomach and I now have to be conscientious of not only what I eat (which is a problem for me because I love food so much) but how much I sleep even the physical activity I do. It makes me feel older than I am. It makes me angry. I try to bear it with grace and dignity but how can you when you never know when you are going to cry over your Motrin bottle?

But on a more positive note, I have discovered the magic of compression gloves. They make it so that I can function and wearing them the other day I was almost ready to weep with joy for I couldn’t remember the last time my hands felt that good. We must delight in the miracles anyway that we can.

 

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Will this food make me flare up tomorrow? Probably. Will I eat it anyways? Probably.

 

No. 1’s Report

It has been a busy July so far, with no intent of slowing down. But I don’t mind.

I have always like Lana Del Rey. Since I first heard her sing their was something about her voice and her lyrics that just soothe me. I mention this because I find summers sad, and often unbearably lonely. They draw everyone and everything in different directions and while there is downtime and free time to be had, at the same time schedules never match and plans go unrealized. It gets depressing at times, and perhaps I spend way too much time talking to my dogs or catching naps between shifts. But I guess it is important to enjoy it while it lasts. Work, internships, grown-up responsibilities: They seem too close at times. I am excited that I am learning and growing and developing. But sometimes the perpetuation of lazy summers is something I want to never give up. There is a certain nostalgia and feel to them that you always smile about even on the days you are bored to tears.

I paid of my library fees, had an eye exam and picked out new frames, and got my hair cut again. I liked my hairdresser today. She was young and sweet and comforted me with the fact that not all young people enjoy drinking, and not all young people like going out every single night and party hard. I say this because I cannot drink, due to the medication I am on(I am more than willing to elaborate if you ask me personally). I do not mind tagging along, but sometimes I feel very out of place and even strange for not having an alcohol-centric life, and that I never will. That I enjoy and prefer a lot of things over events and gatherings involving it and centering around its consumption. I don’t like it: not the taste nor the way it makes me feel or the way I feel like I am fighting to maintain control of my body. I don’t mind if you do, I just ask you to respect that I don’t like it.

Work is work and if all goes well in the next month (literally, I have like a month until I’ll be panicking about moving in), I will have made enough to pay what I need to for the fall. I will probably end up working in the dinning hall but there are worse things in life. Hell, as I have found out sometimes dinning beat retail in terms of experience and dealing with customer problems. Also, in dinning they don’t require you to shove lines of credit down people’s throats. But anyway, I think i am going to be really happy at and in Ithaca. Another day closer to classes which I am eager to begin and thoroughly excited about. I smile thinking about buying my textbooks. That might make me crazy, but what can I say, I am zealous about education and I so happy to finally begin studying what I am passionate about.

I ran a race on the 4th of July with my mom. A fundraiser one, small, but for Ovarian cancer research. The woman that gave her my current beautiful bedroom set passed about 2 years ago after a long battle with it. We wore a set of our matching shirts(Minions!) and jogged at a nice comfortable pace. It was one of those days that made me love running. They also had a raffle auction and we bought some tickets and I won some hair products.

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Look Ma, I didn’t win a stripper!

This past Sunday I went to Buffalo with my mom to keep her company for T.’s Orientation. On Monday night, we went to Niagara falls, me for the first time. It was a small little town and we walked through the state park and strained with the other tourists to get a view of the falls. We planned to come back the next day and do all the stereotypical things, but as we opened the door of our hotel(more like motel) room to the parking lot it was pouring. So we drove over anyways and first went to the Aquarium. Small but quaint.Then we walked to Canada, in the pouring rain huddled under our one umbrella. It was interesting not only how much cleaner the Canadian side was but more picturesque and inviting. Also, a lot more stuff to do. They also get the better view of the falls. We had some ice cream before we strolled back. I have finally, officially, been to Canada.

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Now if only it wasn’t raining…

I also potted my mint Plant and Lavender today! I am quite proud of myself for growing the lavender from itty bitty little seeds, and for not killing either of them yet. I am hoping to bring one or both to college, hoping being the keyword.

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Started Woolf’s “Orlando” and on deck is Atwood’s “Year of the Flood”. I have finished my fourth Star Trek series and I have yet to begin any others, or even finish The Next Generation Movies. I don’t like the finality of it being over and not being able to ‘tag along’ anymore. Of course I can start all over again, but you can anticipate. And I am sure all of those sucker punches they threw will hurt just as bad as the first time around. Silly as you may think it sounds, Star Trek has gotten me through a lot, and a lot of it rings near and dear to my heart. It has inspired me and aroused my curiosity and I wouldn’t be myself without it. It has spurned a love of sci-fi and perhaps hope in humanity’s future.

At least things like these will never cease to make me giggle.

At least things like these will never cease to make me giggle.

The Not so Morning Report

A lot has happened, and not a lot has happened. Its the universal paradox of break/summer. Time flies by rapidly but at the same time seems to drag on ad nauseam.

So I went to orientation. It was okay. I ended up in a triple room all by myself. When we went downtown we took refuge in a bookstore for a few minutes because it was raining. I bought 4 books (“Ulysses”, “The Color Purple”, “Orlando”, and “To the Lighthouse”). I didn’t click with my peers too well, more so with the orientation leaders, but they are trained to get along with everyone, so I don’t know. BUT, most excitingly I signed up for classes. I’ll be taking the full course load but I could not be more stoked about the timing and the classes that I will be taking.

Screenshot (120)Literally, I am so excited. It was also nice that I was the only writing transfer student that day. It allowed the summer adviser to really help me. He was super nice, and helpful. Quite a few of my classes were full and he helped to get the override so that I could get into them.

Work has been work. I like the set hours at the gas station. Also its nice that I basically get to have like 2-3 hours every shift during which I can sit and read. Sometimes more depending on the day. It has already allowed  me to get through 2.5 books so far. And I am managing to get enough hours to get enough money to pay for college. I am just not sure how I am going to work at school (On campus? Off campus? One job? 20,000?), but I still have some time to figure that out. Also, I selected housing with other transfer students. Have no idea who my roommate will be, but I guess I will learn and find out.

As for arthritis, I am doing well. Some days I am tender, swollen, and achy but it is mostly in my hands and is becoming increasingly less common. Keeping busy helps to distract me and keeps me moving. I have been on the medicine about 2 weeks now and I am doing well. My hair isn’t falling out and I don’t have dreams any more vivid than usual (hair loss and vivid dreams are possible side effects, hair loss is linked to certain dosage levels in certain people, and malaria meds are infamous for their vivid dreams). I am still often perpetually tired, but I am sure the long working hours are partially to blame. I got up at 4:30 yesterday as I worked 5a-2p. Talk about gross. As much as I would like to call myself a morning person, I really am an aspiring one right now. But one day.  But I am making it, and it is all going well.

But I am Barely 20…

So some of you may recall I had a weird time with my left foot in Costa Rica. It would swell, on the rare occasion it would hurt but in the end I didn’t do a whole lot about it.

A side by Side Comparison

A side by Side Comparison

It was bad, probably worse than I thought.

It was bad, probably worse than I thought.

But the swelling went away, only to return when I wore certain shoes or walked too much. Of course my mom and I were slightly concerned, but obviously not enough that we felt I should take the plunge and go to the hospital. So my mom set me up for an appointment when I got home. Of course the receptionists and nurses tweaked out and demanded to see me immediately which didn’t exactly put my mind at ease but hey, I had made it that long right?

So my appointment, literally two days after I got home involved not only a slew of blood work, but also an X-ray to see if it was a stress fracture and a sonogram of the leg to make sure I didn’t have a clot. I was panicky. I was hoping it was just a stress fracture and life would be fine. But it wasn’t going to be that easy. I anxiously awaited to see what my test results would be. The results were for the most part negative. Except for on the Arthritis Panel. There was one little anomaly. The speckled pattern, which is supposed to be between 0 and 49 came up as 250. My hand had started swelling and my fingers were sore and inflamed so with heavy heart I went to see the Rheumatologist especially since a family history was in there too.

I was the youngest person in the waiting rooms. It was…strange. The wait was terrible but the doctor informative. We talked about what was going on and possible options and he ordered some more tests. Of course these tests came up just like the last ones (no Lyme, but at least i didn’t have Lupus).

So here I am 20 and 2 months old and I have seronegative rheumatoid arthritis, with Psoriatic Arthritis in my future because it has a very strong genetic inheritance and my symptoms only really appear on the left side of my body. R.A. is an autoimmune disorder. This means that for whatever reason my body has decided to attack its own tissue causing pain, swelling, and in general discomfort.

So here I am. Barely 20 years old and already arthritic (literally, I am becoming a grandma). Fortunately the pain isn’t too bad and usually some aspirin or ibuprofen helps. Long term treatment would be daily medication and I am seriously considering it so that hopefully I am able to curb the disease and prevent long term damage and degradation to my joints, especially because of my hand.  Thats what worries me the most. But we seem to have caught it early and thats good.

I was bitter for a while. Angry at the universe and unhappy. It means I am going to have to be on medication probably for the rest of my life. It will make travel more difficult, especially long term. I feel like some of my dreams and aspirations are now going to be a bit more difficult (Yes hello I need a two year supply of this so I can go do the Peace corps in some remote Mongolian village, OR I’m living in another country indefinitely can you help me with that?). But I know that I shouldn’t let it stop me from pursuing my dream and living life to the fullest. Its just another reason to make sure I take care of myself, physically and emotionally. And get enough sleep at night. RA has a tendency to make you tired, fatigued, and exhausted. Because your body attacking your body is pretty hard work.

Well enough of that. In other news I am no longer leaving the job I was going to leave I got a raise. God, I am such a sucker. So here is to having three jobs. The dogs are doing good and T. graduates from high school in a week. What? I have orientation Sunday and Monday, and I BOUGHT MYSELF A STAR TREK TRAVEL MUG!!!! Am I a total dweeb? YES. Right now I am reading Anne Frank’s Diary and The Tibetan Book of the Dead. Up next is still to be determined. Though I now have enough money to pay off my late library fees, so who knows what is next.I have a new found love of Brazil Nuts. I am getting back into the swing of yoga and slowly easing myself back into meditation. I truly forgot how good it feels, and how uplifting it is on the spirit. And down dog does wonders to my hands once I get over the initial discomfort. wellbeing

Ever forward, ever upwards. Some day I will get enough sleep.

Genuine Souls and Banana Ice Cream

I have learned a lot in Costa Rica. Not just Spanish and culture and another way of life, but things that are so much  less tangible. I have learned a lot not only about myself but about people too and life and perceptions and everything really. It is hard to put it all into words, even harder into a brief-ish blog, but here goes.

Everything is coming together as everything seems to be falling apart. Here I have seen my social life atrophy in my last month, and while I saw it coming I am okay with it. This last month, as I spend more time alone I have had a lot more time to think about things. I have barely done any journaling in the past four months, something almost completely unheard of for me. But good things are coming up. I find that I am crawling out of my sea of sadness and depression. I am growing stronger, and the world is becoming beautiful. Not to mention all of the opportunities that I have blooming in front of me. I am so excited for the fall, and the most annoying and hard part about getting a summer job is not that I am in short supply, but that I am not conveniently home to easily return phone calls and go to interviews.

I think what I have come to realize most and appreciate are the people who love and care about me. Being so far from home in uncertain waters you have to reach out when you are lonely, something I have always been terribly afraid to do. I have such wonderful Beautiful souls in my life, who love me, care for me, and seek to uplift me. Even though everyone home is 2000 miles away, I have still managed to have their support, love, and have deep and profound and sometimes downright silly conversations. Laughing and smiling with them, despite the distance, is so important.

In Costa Rica I have many a lot of different people. People I hate, People I find intriguing, and People I genuinely like and adore. I have met people who lead different styles of lives and who have different priorities than me. While I have always prided myself in being open-minded it has been difficult here. At times it has been overwhelming how much I have not liked, whether it is people, food, or things. In the process I have learned that it is okay to not like everything, in fact it is impossible to like somethings. What is important is that you try to understand, keep things in perspective, and be patient. We are all learning, we are all on different planes of existence, and all have different paths leading in different directions.

And, I too have come to realize that I am a beautiful, genuine soul too. That when I choose, I let it radiate out of me in my heart, words, smile, and confidence. The process of self love is a hard one, but I feel like I am making strides here. I will always find people with whom I connect and celebrate my life with. Sometimes, you just have to accept that they may not be in the places that you are looking.

In the end, in my opinion, you can always tell the true character of a person by how they treat a dog or by their favorite book. Dogs because well I love dogs. And if a dog doesn’t like you it is for good reason, they can sense your fear or hate or malevolence. And what reason could you possibly have for treating a dog with anger, cruelty, hate, and fear? Sure it is okay to experience them, but how you act and manifest those feelings is what counts. If you can treat an animal mean, what is to stop you from treating me the same way? As for books, choosing to give into helping create a post-literature society is alarming. I don’t care if your favorite book is “The Cat in the Hat” for the love of the world take the time to exercise your literacy. Choose to be educated and aware. With literacy you have greater control of your circumstances, of your fate.

My Experience in Costa Rica has really been a bowl of Banana Ice Cream. It sounded exotic and interesting at first, and while apprehensive I was eager to try. Then I came, nosed around and discovered that I didn’t like banana ice cream as much as I thought I would and had 3 more months of it. So I tried avoiding it, actively disliking it. But then, I discovered that I do like banana ice cream, with a hint of chocolate. Homemade and fresh. But I am dreaming of chocolate fudge brownie with dinosaur sprinkles.

[In case you failed to grasp or care for my explanation of above metaphor let me elaborate. I was really excited about Costa Rica, and for about the first month I was pretty okay, but then it wasn’t. It was hard, and I was bitter and critical. But in the end I found out how I like to travel(solo or in small numbers), that I liked certain activities and places, and how to cope with all of the drastic changes in my life (Star Trek, Reading, and Ice Cream). Even though I am excited to leave I am still a little sad to go.]

I really like solo travel I have come to decide. You meet new people, it can be incredibly uncomfortable, and yet all the same this solitude has made me that much stronger, that much more resilient to everything. Sure there is always going to be that flutter of panic, that edge of anxiety. But you can let it control you, or just roll with what things happen. You have to go out and take the initiative sometimes. In the end it can be re really rewarding, like learning your favorite type of bird is a toucan.

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See How the Time Flies

The time now seems to be flying by. Valentines day is tomorrow, has it already been a month and a half? While I still get homesick sometimes I am doing really good. I still miss my family and my dogs but sykpe helps a lot. And today after I came home and before I took a nap both of my mama tica’s dogs came ito my room and cuddled up to me for five minutes while I petted them. I wish they would snuggle with me more but even just having a dog to pet makes me feel so much better.
Basico 2 is hard. We learned probablly 100 verbs this week, mostly in the two days leading up to our midterm. I am tryinng so hard to memorize them but for some of them I just can’t seem too. Our midterm today was mostly those verbs those, so I am worried onn how well I actually did.

In other words, I GOT SOME BOOKS!!!! Yesterday there was a Valentine’s Day Book exchange: You leave a book with a message inside and you get to take one. I left my copy of Wild and I picked up Fire in the Turtle House: The Green Sea Turtle and the Fate of the Ocean. I am interested to see what it has too say.

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Then, today I went downtown with one of my friends. We were going to go to a used bookstore she visited last weekend, but ufortunately it was closed. So we wandered down the main street of shops. We ended up going into a 4 story department store. She baught a bright yellow neck pillow and nail clippers and I baught three books: 2 classics transated into spanish and a spanish/english dictionary a little bit bigger and more in depth than the one I have now. I am particuarly excited to read Madame Bovary tomorrow at the beach. There is nothing like a 1850s smutty, ‘pornographic’ novel on Valentines day on a beach inn Costa Rica. And for those of you who might be alarmed by the potential imroprities I might read do not worry. Its the 1850s and I assure you it will be no 50 Shades of Grey.

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I am not going anywhere snazzy this weekend, but I do havve the rest of my weekends here planned out. Mannuel Antonio, Chirripo and the beach, Arenal and Monteverde, Mal Pais, Curu and Tortuga, Then for holy week Tortuguero and Rio Celeste and maybe somewhere else on the Caribbean, Puerto Viejo for a second time, A weekend in San Jose/Cartago, and then I’m home. It is going to go fast, and I am going to try to enjoy every minute of it.

Por mi Tia Ginny:
Yo no intiendo que escriber sobre. Yo quiero ir el parque nacional corvacado pero cuesta mas y la huella yo quiero caminar esta cerrado. Pero un dia voy a ir regressar y visitar corvocado.